The amount of times my husband and I have had the conversation on how much we hate social media… but are seriously addicted… and how we must change… and how it will change when we move into more nature… and how it’s ruining lives…
It’s exhausting.
From someone who has battled multiple addictions in my life, this is one that is wrapped between every fiber of my being. Our addictions to our phones.
We hear about it all the time, we talk about how terrible it is for us, what it’s doing to our mental health, our sex lives, our connections to our children, our body images, our incessant addiction to consume more, more, more.
It’s maddening to be honest.
Because the reality is, I’ll write this post, close my computer, and pick up my phone to somehow validate my existence as a human being.
I have the excuse now that I need it for my business. Which, if I’m honest, am too scared to see if I actually do. Breaking addictions is freaking painful and takes a ton of energy and effort. And it’s just not the battle I’ve wanted to take on. But truly, my SOUL has been begging for it. For years and years and years.
And frankly, I don’t know how or if I will ever face that battle head-on, but for now - we’ll call it out one more time. Maybe that will do something? lol
But what I REALLY wanted to talk about was DEPTH. Holy shit is my soul craving every ounce of it. When I see it in the world I devour it. There are a few sensual, deep, beautiful creators out there I’ve been following (some for almost a decade, some for a few years now) - Jess at Behati Life. She’s oozing with Venus energy. The feminine. Her posts are filled with beauty, with slowness, with softness, with power.
And one of my Creative inspirations, Leya at The Creative Soul podcast. The way she speaks and writes just so freaking authentic. I am trying to put words to it, but I guess in a sense - I resonate a lot with her messages. I also deeply enjoy just hearing about life through her lens. How she weaves and honors her creativity through the various roles in her life.
But yes, this desire in me - maybe it’s the Feminine?! Is coming out. I’ve always, always been dominant in my masculine side. Especially as an adult. And that side has treated me really well and I love that side of me, but as I age… as Brayden leaves for college in two days… as I approach 42. In perimenopause… I am longing for depth. Slowness. Softness. Intention. Beauty. Realness. Kindness.
To me, it feels like when you open the door to the world - it almost blasts you away with the overstimulation. Music so loud it moves your hair. People bitching incessantly about Trump and blah, blah, blah. People in a trance glued to their phones. Completely unaware of any nature around them or even their communities. Addicted to the chaos, numbing and surface-level tickets to the cheap show.
All while getting sicker, spending more money on consuming and getting more and more violent in their thoughts of the other political party.
Is anyone else out there that is so fucking tired of this life we’re being fed? Anyone? Anyone? And moreso, is there anyone out there that really wants to start doing something about it?
I want a life where I bake my own bread. From fresh wheat I’ve milled myself. On a crisp fall day with the window cracked open and a super quiet song in the background.
I want to pull the bread off the cooling rack and cut into it with a beautifully loved, super sharp, serrated knife. To hear the “thud” as it hits the perfectly crips crust. To close my eyes… just for a moment… as I make the first cut through the bread. Feeling my body fill with goosebumps as I peek inside to the perfect sponginess and take a full body breath to breathe in as much of the smell as my body could possibly hold.
I want to grab a small plate - one that’s handmade from an artist I met at a market. And place the warm - almost too hot - thick slice of bread on the plate. I spoon a verrry generous amount of grassfed butter on… which starts to melt instantly.
I pile on jam… a bit too high… from our generous cherry tree.
I can feel my mouth salivating.
A smile on my face that won’t seize.
I, once again, close my eyes and take a bite.
My generator self lets out the ancestorial, “mmmmmm my freaking god”….
And I consider trying to eat slowly and savor it… but really, I devour it. And go for another.
That, that is the kind of depth I want to live in.
Not the one where I watch someone else live that life.